When Good Cookies Go Bad
by DarkmoonSigel
Summary: Family fic about USUkCan Some cussing but nothing bad. England's cooking gets out of hand so his colonies of America and Canada take care of it for him...Sorta Short and sweet as a cookie. Un betaed. All mistakes are my own


Despite other nations(very true)perceptions of English cooking, America loved it. He loved it especially when England made gingerbread men. They were way more fun than scones.

At the moment, the orangeish men were cunningly holed up in the living room, having a long discussion about what to do next. The resistance had been building for a while now. Gingerbread men, tea biscuits, wild scones, sugar cookies, and even a snicker doodle or two from many previous batches huddled about with some dust bunnies avoiding capture from England and the jaws of the wee blonde beasties he kept.

"What are we going to do?!" Dollop cried, to be bitch slapped by a stale ginger from yesteryear.

"There is no crying in warfare. Suck up your gumdrops buttons and get ready to move out. England will be mucking about soon enough. It's take a bite out of them before he takes a bite out of us.", Old Suga ordered, the oldest of the batches, a burned(no, literally. England hadn't been paying any attention that day to the oven) with many a chip on his lumpy shoulders(England had been trying something new that day as well).

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Canada woke up dozily to his twin's insistent poking.

"What America?", Canada mumbled, wiping drool off of his cheek.

"The cookies are on the move again.", America said, shushing his brother even though he was practically yelling himself. He peeked over the side of the bed, watching the floor intently. Canada flopped back, pulling the pillow over his head. This sort of thing never happened at France's house. He played dead, hoping Alfred was actually stupid enough to forget about him…again. Luck was not in his opossum favor though, his brother taking a swift kick to his exposed behind.

"Get up! We got to go save England!", America commanded, striking a heroic pose before arming himself with a pillow. He made ready to whack his twin fully awake if need be. Canada noticed the armament, hopping up woozily. He didn't feel like cleaning up goose feathers again or losing another pillow. They tended to exploded under the brute force America swung them at.

"What are we doing?", Canada yawned, picking up his polar bear cub Kumajirou cause misery loved company. The cub ignored him, continuing to sleep. "Lucky.", Canada thought at him bitterly.

"We got to save England!", America explained overly slow in pained tones like he was taking to an idiot. Canada resisted the urge to smack him…somehow…..

"From the cookies? America…they are cookies. How big a threat could they really be, especially to England?", Canada shrugged. America stared back at him with a pitying look.

"Canada, Oh Canada…This is why I am the hero and you are just my maple sidekick.", America sighed, giving his twin a comforting(at least in his mind) pat. Canada gave him an incredulous look as he watched his brother jump off the bed.

Canada found it odd that the cookies moved. He personally preferred his food not to move at all but that didn't seem to really be an option with England's cooking. Some of the more of the exciting….exciteable?…..entrees tended to get up on their own accord. Canada had never seen a roast beef need to be beaten down before after it was served. A club and a sharp knife were normal implements at the dinner table. It helped that he and his brother were abnormally strong and had good reflexes, though they did have some problems with the holiday puddings. In all fairness, they did play dirty pool by throwing the bread sauce at them like that.

America got out his toy swords from his chest, passing one to Canada who accepting it wearily. Feeling that they were properly armed, the twins snuck out into the night in what America felt was a very sneaking manner, down the hall, past England's room, finally making to the top of the stairs.

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England woke up to America yelling something about cookies. He groaned shoving himself deeper into the depths of the mattress. Maybe if he dug himself down far enough, America would learn to shut the hell up, Canada would stop mumbling(and stop speaking frog), and both of them would sleep through night without incident. He heard the sound of two small excitable bodies hit the floor boards to make their way down the hall like a small herd of elephants, before what it sounded like throwing themselves down the stairs.

England debated internally on whether of not he should go find out what they were doing and put them back to bed…..which could take hours…..

"Bugger it.", England sighed, rolling over to pull the pillow tighter about his head.

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America was partially right. The cookies were plotting against England. Their war plans were stuck in a sort of dilemma though. It went something like this.

Get England and his minions + ? = England pwned

"But how do we get England?", Dollop asked for what felt like the billionth time.

"We could crumble him.", Doughy yelled out, the undercooked shortbread a little touched in the head. He had a tendency to stick to an idea no matter how good or bad it was.

"For the last damn time, He's not a baked good. Crumbling won't work.", Old Suga sighed, "Any other suggestions?".

"We could crumble him."

"I swear by the almighty oven, someone shut him up before I brain him!", Old Suga snapped. A couple of quiet tea biscuits led Doughy away to go pet some dust bunnies, giving Old Suga a moment to calm down.

"America, I don't hear anything. Let's get back to bed before we get into trouble!", Canada whined, dragging his sword behind him.

"I can smell them! They are plotting something.", America whispered, looking around in paranoia and hunger.

"Tu est un idiot et tes pieds sentent le fromage.", Canada told him in the most sincere tones he could muster up at 3AM.

"Huh?"

"Nothing.", Canada smiled at him overly sweet.

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"So it's agreed. We shall take the scones, ride them up to the top of the soft mountain and claim England while he takes the big sleep.", Old Suga rallied to various cheers.

"Over my dead body! England's mine!", America screamed, landing in their midst to cookie mayhem. Some took off at high speed while others were eaten whole. The tea cookies fainted dead away(bless their lil sugar hearts) to be crushed underfoot.

"We meet again ye black hearted fiend.", Old Suga yelled at his blonde nemesis.

"You! Get in ma belly!", America demanded. Canada disgustedly smashed wayward cookies, feeling absolutely ridiculous. He let the scones scurry off though. If he caught them he would have to eat them. It didn't help matters that they screamed. Canada really misses food that didn't talk back.

Old Suga raced up a tall bookcase with America hot on his heels, pelting him with expendable chips from his own body.

"Get back here! You were supposed to be my afternoon snack!", Alfred yelled bitterly, climbing up after him, ignoring how the bookcase rocked under his excitable weight.

"You can dine on me in hell, ya bottomless pit!", Old Suga countered defiantly.

Old Suga reached the top first, to see Alfred still climbing up despite the worrisome swaying of their precarious perch.

"Aw nuts to you! I won't give ya the pleasure!", Old Suga spat frosting into Alfred's face as he crested the peak. The cookie hurled himself off the top to his immanent demise.

"NOOOOOO! I was supposed to eat you!", Alfred wailed, leaning back to try and catch the cookie, taking the furniture with him to a loud crash.

"Owww.", America groaned, shoving the new kindling off of him.

"WHAT IN THE SWEET BLEEDING HELL IS GOING ON!? WHY ARE YOU EVEN UP?! HAVE YOU NO COMMON DECENY!?", England roared from the top of the stairs, his footsteps the impending sounds of doom. Canada's head shot up in alarm. He set down his sword quietly, sidestepping into shadows.

"Who are you?", Kumajirou whispered.

"Someone who is not getting into trouble.", Canada whispered back, climbing into the sweet safety of the bed.

Alfred looked around for his partner in crime to find himself alone, surrounding by the late bookcase and some crushed cookies.

"Damn it.", America sighed, using one of the many big boy words he knew but wasn't allowed to use for some reason. Considering the situation though, he felt it merited it.

America not one to read the atmosphere, could definitely see his future and it involved a sore behind and learning many new swear words.  
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"Oh Suga! You'll never walk again!", Dollop whimpered, having done the best he could with what was left of Old Suga's body, both of his legs broken off entirely.

"It's no matter lad.", Old Suga assured him, "Just gives me more time to plan."


End file.
